Personal Reflections On The Concept of Love And Marriage By Gwendolyn English Wiesinger

 EXCLUSIVE

When I invited her to participate as a contributor to our official Blog and specifically asked her to write an article on marriage tradition and pattern in Europe, sharing her own marital experience in the process, she said, ''... I feel honored to be asked to contribute to your article and would be delighted to write a few words on the ideal concept of marriage (most likely reflecting modern mainstream Western European attitudes) and to share some personal notes as well as to take note of the situation in Germany in general terms. To cover all of the many cultural traditions within Europe is a daunting task, which ideally should be taken up by a scholar on the subject who may draw on personal research findings....''

But gladly, she took up the daunting task and did an excellent job with the article she eventually submitted hours ago. Quoting from the article as she reflected on her marriage, Gwendolyn English Wiesinger noted 

''...I personally had the fortune to meet an interesting man of integrity, sincerity, kindness, warmth of heart, thoughtfulness, a man willing to take on the responsibility of marriage and fatherhood. I admire his intelligence and enjoy his delightful sense of humor. I am thankful for his patience and his tolerance of my sometimes eccentric ways. We enjoy common interests and shared sentiments about so many aspects of life. We have a shared vision of how life should ideally be. We are grateful to be the parents of a wonderful, bright, vivacious 23-year-old daughter, and have recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.'' 

Her marriage after 25 years is growing stronger and she shares the secret behind it and much more. Enjoy!

Andrew Adedayo Adetoye

Lead Host

                                                          Gwendolyn English Wiesinger                    

Marriage, in its ideal form, is an intimate personal bond between two mature, consenting persons (usually of the opposite gender), based on a feeling of equality and mutual respect, infused by sincere love and compassion for one another, and characterized by a shared vision of how life should be lived. Marriage also ideally encompasses a sincere desire on the part of two individuals to join together for life, with the promise to remain loyal to each other in difficult as well as in good times.

Mutual respect, humor, a certain degree of tolerance and the ability to forgive are key ingredients in forging the success of lasting friendships, and marriages. Spouses celebrating decades of marriage often speak of these traits when asked about the secret of their successful, long-term partnership.

A shared vision of the future is of great importance. And with regard to harmony, the sharing of common interests enhances the joy of daily communion and provide sound ties for a marriage partnership.

                                                           Gwendolyn and her art paintings

There must, of course, be room for individuality within a partnership. Not all interests and goals must be shared. No feeling of ’’possession“ or ‘’control“ should arise. The uniqueness of each partner should be respected and this perceived uniqueness ideally heightens interest in one another.

The Lebanese poet and philosopher Kahil Gibran expressed this thought so beautifully:

• Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.“

• Sing and dance together and be joyous,but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

• And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other‘s shadow.“

• Let there be spaces in your togetherness.“

 (Kahil Gibran, The Prophet, N.Y. : Knopf, 1979)

 

The knowledge of one other is a vibrant aspect of any relationship. A person should feel comfortable, at home with ''themselves“, with his/her partner. A sense of being largely understood nourishes a relationship. However, there may be aspects of oneself which will come to the fore in time and create dissonance within the partnership. It is therefore advisable to be openly honest from the start of any serious relationship about any major personal problems, strong character traits, and important dreams and goals one has, as these will surely, at least to some degree, become involved in the interaction between partners. One would like to avoid having one‘s partner enter into a union which will in time reveal hidden, perhaps overwhelming differences which will reduce the chance of a relationship remaining a happy one. This act of self-revelation need not always be a full one. First, we do not always know ourselves completely anyway. And, secondly, deep inside every person there exists a personal realm which one has every right to keep private, in so far as there is no inherent danger to others lurking there. Yet generally speaking, openness as to aspects tangent on the relationship should be communicated. This revelation requires courage, and faith in one‘s partner, and in the love relationship. If sincere love is mutually felt, this communication will only serve to deepen the bond between partners and strengthen their willingness to work through conflict. Far too often partners are simply "dumped" due to some suddenly recognized or perceived incompatibility.

                                                             Gwendolyn with hubby

People change over time, and this may enrich a relationship or provide another pitfall for a successful marriage union. Marriages entered into very early in life may become lasting, happy one‘s, or may dissolve in time, because the partners, as individuals, have significantly changed over time and grown apart to such an extent that harmonious cohabitation is no longer desirable and/or possible. However, there may be hope for such a relationship. If a change is unwelcome, the qualities of humor, tolerance, and a forgiving attitude come into play as imperative tools in the work of reparation and/or adjustment. A partner may be viewed with renewed interest, newly arising conflict worked on. The basic core of an individual‘s personality will most likely not have changed so radically, so that there is something familiar and loved to base one‘s efforts on.

The willingness to work out differences naturally arising between partners is fed not only by the qualities of mutual respect, humor, tolerance and a forgiving attitude, but also by the powerful emotion of love. This love is infused with additional energy through the invigorating spark of physical attraction usually attendant in a love relationship.

In the initial phase of falling in love there is heightened sexual excitement which will in time ideally evolve not into disinterest but into a profound sense of belonging together, with a calmer but emotionally deeply satisfying physical union, felt as the bodily expression of two souls in communion, each independent of, and yet intertwined with, one another.

There will be no or no strong desire to begin a new relationship with its initial titillation.

Partners who opt for a life-time commitment may well be rewarded by the joy inherent in exploring the various evolving facets of a partner‘s nature. They do not need ever-new conquests of new partners in order to feel the excitement of discovery, for they will find it within their  relationship.

                                                       Gwendolyn with hubby and daughter

However, marriages seem to be so easily dissolved nowadays for any number of reasons. There may well be developments within an established union which prove to be quite detrimental to the survival of the union. The sincere desire to work on and maintain the relationship as a fundamentally stabilizing factor may not be present in such cases. Partners may simply be dropped due to disinterest after the first phase of passionate attraction has ebbed, as if they were a material good, a toy, which can easily be disposed of and replaced. This action, needless to say, usually causes great hardship, and chances are that the same problems which had arisen in the relationship may well arise again in a new relationship. . The crumbling relationship will not have been sufficiently fortified by the attributes needed for maintaining a good basis, and may not be able to be saved due to too great a discrepancy in traits and interests and behavior. There may be partnerships in which the dialogue essential for a return to harmony may not be a realistic option. There may be an imbalance between the partners with respect to positive input into their relationship. Professional help may offer solutions, provide a neutral discussion forum. In cases in which psychological and/or physical harm to one or both partners arises, it is mandatory to seek professional help. And perhaps there is no other solution in such cases other than the dissolution of the relationship.

Of course there should always be an honest attempt to save a marriage. Maturity and a sense of fairness and the desire to resolve problems through some form of compromise are mandatory for the survival of a marriage relationship.  And one must remember, those helpful attributes of humor, tolerance and being able to forgive can well make the difference as to whether a relationship survives over time, and fares well while doing so, or not. Marriage has the best chance to survive when entered into with a full and honest heart, without ulterior motives, and with a shared life philosophy. Sometimes it requires the experience of several partnerships before finding a compatible companion. To once more quote Kahil Gibran: ''When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.“

                                                                     Gwendolyn with hubby

In the past, marriage was most often a construct sanctioned by the church, state, and society in order to help maintain social and moral order, and/or was a means to form politically and/or economically advantageous alignments between families.  In former times unhappy marriages were often kept up for the sake of "appearances", as divorce was considered to be disgraceful or inconvenient, leading to political instability and/or economic insecurity/ruin. Often such marriages were not based on love, were arranged, or entered into for economic security. 

Today marriage is, at least within Europe, generally a matter of mutual  consent, and based on a romantic concept. Social, political and economic developments helped pave the way to this "new" form of marriage.  Old traditions imposing cultural customs and standards, restrictive to women in particular, are crumbling within communities in the wake of modernization, growing emancipation, and globalization. 

The role of women has seen a shift away from confinement to the role of mother and homemaker as society sought to fill the needs of an expanding economy. Women have become important and necessary participants in the public work force. New personal economic independence through the opportunity to pursue jobs and careers has liberated women from dependence on men. Women are no longer being forced into marriage and family arrangements with no promise of personal fulfillment for them, in contrast to those societies still strongly ruled by tradition.

                                                   Gwendolyn with hubby, daughter and friends

The traditional mother and housewife role is, of course, something very positive in its own right, for, if well managed, it provides a fine foundation for stable family life. A wide variety of skills are required to maintain a household and to rear children, and the home-keeper role demands respect. There should justifiably be a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in being a successful wife-mother-housekeeper. However, many women voluntarily seek fulfillment outside the traditional role, for personal fulfillment and/or through the economic necessity of having to add to the family income, and options for work outside the home have long become the new reality. The average age of entry into first marriage has increased over time, as many women study and work prior to thinking of marriage.

Balancing the demands of working in the home and of an outside job can, of course, be quite challenging. The cases of married mothers with a „burnout“ syndrome are on the increase. Combining the many tasks involved in rearing children with a job/career can be exhausting. Child rearing has become so complicated, with many extracurricular activities a part of the daily schedule. When both partners-parents work outside the home it will require good management on the domestic level, with fair participation of both partners and of the children in sharing household chores.

Traditional marriage is no longer the only socially acceptable type of relationship in most of Europe. Living together without a marriage license is one life form, which may or may not end in marriage. The maintenance of long-term marriage- or non-marriage relationships on a long-distance basis, due to suitable jobs often being available only geographically far from from one‘s partner, is yet another form. Serial, monogamic, but unmarried relationships are widespread. Whereas traditional marriage was envisioned to encompass a nuclear family of mother, father and their biological child/children, there is an increased rate of divorce nowadays, which gives rise to the patchwork family. Divorced/separated couples remarrying/entering into new partnerships are increasingly creating a patchwork family situation which poses new challenges, as child-rearing and family events will most likely involve hurt feelings, difficult choices and confrontations, all calling for diplomatic consensus and cooperation. There are also "single mother/single father" plus child/children living arrangements following the demise of a partnership/marriage, and these parents face special challenges in balancing household, child-rearing and career. Here, too, burnout and a difficult financial situation is an ever present danger.

There are also open marriages in which each partner is free to pursue extramarital relationships, perhaps with the constriction that one openly inform the partner. And there are marriages in which one or both partners may have a secret relationship outside of marriage while holding up the facade of, or even enjoying, a good marriage. It is quite difficult to ascertain how widespread such practices are, as few are willing to openly admit to extramarital affairs, possibly even in anonymous surveys. 

Despite all of these manifold, and often successful, forms of interaction and living together, the monogamous man-woman couple as partners committed to one another for a lifetime, rearing their children in an harmonious environment, yet remains the common ideal.

Why does marriage in its ideal conception remain popular today despite the many options available and the discouraging statistics of so many marriages failing? Perhaps the answer can be found in the fact that marriage still exudes an appealing romantic aura and holds the promise of lifelong companionship in a troubled world. It provides a base from which to manage coexistence as partners in the ongoing adventure of embracing life with its myriad challenges and opportunities. Life will ultimately bring upheavals and surprises, not only pleasant in nature. It provides a framework for successfully rearing children, the future upon which wvwey society depends. Marriage is a fundamental life experience and moreover an exciting venture to embark upon.

                                                        Gwendolyn with hubby and daughter

I personally had the fortune to meet an interesting man of integrity, sincerity, kindness, warmth of heart, thoughtfulness, a man willing to take on the responsibility of marriage and fatherhood. I admire his intelligence and enjoy his delightful sense of humor. I am thankful for his patience and his tolerance of my sometimes eccentric ways. We enjoy common interests and shared sentiments about so many aspects of life. We have a shared vision of how life should ideally be. We are grateful to be the parents of a wonderful, bright, vivacious 23-year-old daughter, and have recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. 

It would be wonderful if there could be more happy relationships and marriages throughout the world. There are many factors which may negatively impact on a good marriage, yet we must make sound and appropriate choices and have the resilience and the desire to take on this special task of living in harmony with another chosen individual, thus enriching one another's lives and creating a fortifying home base from which to contribute to the well-being of the world, also through the rearing of children who will ideally one day carry on life's work in their own way.

See more posts Click here