''....our real romance is in our commitment to love each other daily through thick and thin....''' ---Aya Fubara Tells Andrew Adedayo Adetoye In This Exclusive Interview.
AYA FUBARA ENELI
Aya Fubara Eneli is the CEO of Aya Eneli
International, the premier provider of biblically based success
strategies designed to empower and equip individuals to create and live
lives of purpose and fulfillment. An author, attorney, speaker, and
newspaper columnist, she has over 20 years experience as a trainer and
30 years as a motivational speaker.
A prolific writer and speaker, she began appearing weekly on television at age three. As an eight year old, she was the keynote speaker for the Federal Republic of Nigeria’s national celebration of the International Year of the Child.
She attended The Ohio State University where she earned four degrees in 7 years – 2 Bachelor of Arts degrees in Political Science and English; a Master’s degree in African and African American Studies; and a Juris Doctorate.
Known as the Abundant Life coach, Aya is a certified diversity trainer, a member of the International Who's Who of Entrepreneurs, an Honored Member of the International Executive Guild and for 7 years wrote a weekly Newspaper column "Live Your Abundant Life." She has been featured in various media including Entrepreneur magazine, MSNBC, Black Enterprise and the Detroit Free Press.
She speaks from her experiences across two continents, the trials of losing four children, the challenges and lessons gleaned from giving up a successful career to stay home with her kids, and learning to overcome childhood trauma to become the wife and woman God intended. She is the founder of the Success and Empowerment Youth Camp, where she encourages and teaches girls and young women to live lives of sexual purity.
She is the noted author of the book, Live Your Abundant Life published by Xulon Press and her second book, To Be My Husband’s Crown and Glory will be available in 2012.
She lives in Central Texas with her husband of 14 years, Dr. Kenechukwu Eneli, and her five gifted and miraculous children, Madu, Kosi, Ona, Kene and Ikem.
A prolific writer and speaker, she began appearing weekly on television at age three. As an eight year old, she was the keynote speaker for the Federal Republic of Nigeria’s national celebration of the International Year of the Child.
She attended The Ohio State University where she earned four degrees in 7 years – 2 Bachelor of Arts degrees in Political Science and English; a Master’s degree in African and African American Studies; and a Juris Doctorate.
Known as the Abundant Life coach, Aya is a certified diversity trainer, a member of the International Who's Who of Entrepreneurs, an Honored Member of the International Executive Guild and for 7 years wrote a weekly Newspaper column "Live Your Abundant Life." She has been featured in various media including Entrepreneur magazine, MSNBC, Black Enterprise and the Detroit Free Press.
She speaks from her experiences across two continents, the trials of losing four children, the challenges and lessons gleaned from giving up a successful career to stay home with her kids, and learning to overcome childhood trauma to become the wife and woman God intended. She is the founder of the Success and Empowerment Youth Camp, where she encourages and teaches girls and young women to live lives of sexual purity.
She is the noted author of the book, Live Your Abundant Life published by Xulon Press and her second book, To Be My Husband’s Crown and Glory will be available in 2012.
She lives in Central Texas with her husband of 14 years, Dr. Kenechukwu Eneli, and her five gifted and miraculous children, Madu, Kosi, Ona, Kene and Ikem.
INTERVIEW:
Aya
Who is Aya Fubara Eneli? Tell us about your
background.
Aya:
I am a child of great parents who
celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year, HRH Alabo
Professor Dagogo and HRH Dr. (Mrs) Vinolia Fubara of Opobo Town, Nigeria. I was
born in the United States of America, and attended Von Nursery school and Ekulu
primary school in Enugu. I went on to attend the Army Children’s Elementary
school and the Rivers State University of Science & Technology Staff School
in Port Harcourt. I received my secondary school education at Federal
Government College, Enugu. I then moved to the USA where I briefly attended
Bexley High School before matriculating to The Ohio State University.
Over the course of 7 years, I earned
four degrees from the institution including Bachelor of Arts degrees in
Political Science and English, a Master of Arts degree in African/African
American History and a Juris Doctorate. While attaining my education I was also
honored with numerous awards including Outstanding Freshman of the Year,
Outstanding Senior of the Year, Distinguished Affirmative Action Award, Edward
‘Beanie” Drake Leadership Award, General Motors Volunteer Spirit Award, etc. I
was also honored as the first Homecoming Queen of the university from Africa.
Since then, I have worked for various
universities and contracted with the Vermilion County State Attorney’s office
before founding my company, Aya Eneli International, the premiere provider of
biblically based success strategies for life and business.
Aya
How long have you been married?
Aya
I have been married for 17 years to
Dr. Kenechukwu Eneli. We got married in 1997.
Recall the first day you met your
husband. Was it coincidence or was it planned? Tell us about that day?
Aya:
I actually met my husband as a little girl in
Nigeria. I was under 10 years old. I don’t remember the day or the specifics.
My husband was very good friends with my older brother. He was one of a handful
of friends who always hung out with my brother. My brother and husband are 6
years older than me and so I really didn’t interact much with them. My brother
and husband lost touch with one another after my brother moved to the USA. They
reconnected over a decade later when my husband came to visit the US and that
was how I got reacquainted with my husband when he called
me upon getting my number from my brother.
Aya & Hubby
Looking back, at what point did
you fall in love with your husband?
Aya:
I did not fall in love with my
husband. I grew in love with him as we discovered shared interests. The more I
heard and saw his compassion for people, his intelligence and integrity, his
love for his family and nation, his philanthropy, the more I respected and
appreciated the goodness and greatness of his heart. My husband is a man of
excellence, integrity and love. At one point, we talked for 6 hours straight
over the phone covering topics as diverse as religion, politics, philanthropy,
relationships, education, materialism, etc.
Recall your first date with your
husband. Tell us about it.
Aya:
I have absolutely no recollection of
my first date with my husband. I am simply not sentimental in that way. I
wasn’t looking for a husband when I met my husband. I was perfectly content
with my life. I do remember the first time I saw him after we reconnected on
the phone. I had arrived at the airport to visit my family. My sister was
supposed to pick me up from the airport, but as I walked to get my luggage, I
noticed this man intently walking towards me. I immediately got ready to rebuff
him in no uncertain terms. However, as he got closer, a smile broke out on his
face and he revealed a bouquet of flowers he had hidden behind his back. It was
then I realized who it was. I hadn’t seen him in over 10 years so you can
understand why I didn’t initially recognize him.
Aya & Hubby
How did your husband propose to
you? Were you expecting it? Were you nervous? Was he nervous?
Aya:
I knew he wanted to marry me, but I
was in no hurry. I lived in New York City and he was merely visiting his
brother in Michigan. The timing of the proposal was unexpected and completely
unorthodox. I had taken him to an event and I kept introducing his as a family
friend. After a while, he pulled me aside and asked, “Is that all I am to you?”
I replied, “What else would you like to be?” I wasn’t nervous. I don’t know if
he was nervous. I didn’t notice any nerves until his visit to formally ask my
dad for my hand in marriage with his family. My father talked at length with
him and I noticed my husband was sweating profusely. Good news is that I said
yes as did my parents. My parents were so impressed with him and totally amazed
that someone had convinced me to marry them. I was pretty opinionated and had
very little patience for the stupid games many men seemed to want women to play
for their interest. I was very ambitious and focused on my interests and not on
marriage when I met him.
Aya & Hubby
How was it like growing up as a
child?
Aya:
My childhood was pretty exciting. I
was born to academicians and so I grew up with a lot of books and I loved to
read from an early age. By age 4, I was on television, first appearing on the
Tortoise club with Mrs. Edna Izuora and then Junior Opinion with Mrs. Esther
Umeadi in Enugu. I was a very good student. I loved to sing and argue. I was
fortunate to travel abroad and to grow up in a Christian home. But, there are
hardly any lives untouched by tragedy and mine is no different. I was also
sexually abused by my male cousins as a young child. It was a very painful time
in my life which I concealed due to shame. This tragedy notwithstanding, I
determined not to be a victim anymore and I fought back and that started me on
a path of being a voice for justice and an advocate for the voiceless.
How essential is love in marriage?
Aya:
Love is everything. Without love there is no
respect. Without love there is no goodwill. Without love two cannot work or
walk together. Without love a house is bound to fall. The Bible tells us
“Faith, hope and love, the greatest of these is love.” When all passes away,
all that remains will be love. Love is absolutely essential for marriage.
Aya
What are some of the marital
challenges you’ve had and how were you and your husband able to handle it?
Aya:
We have faced many marital challenges
the first of which was my fierce independence and stubbornness. I had already
carved out my own career. I saw no need to take my husband’s name and I was
vehemently opposed to anything I perceived to be submission. To my husband’s
great credit, he was very patient with me. He told me that he viewed marriage
as a lifelong commitment and that he was ready to do whatever necessary to earn
my trust and build a strong marriage. I was surprised by this response. I was
not at all an easy person to live with back then. I pray, I am better these
days.
My husband was also instrumental in
helping me heal from the abuse in my childhood. It takes a really devoted man
to support me in the way he has.
In addition to the normal stresses on
marriage of dual careers, balancing needs and wants with actual income, we also
experienced the loss of four children through miscarriages. Many relationships
get destroyed under that enormous kind of tragedy, but God actually used these
losses to bring us even closer together as husband and wife. After losing four
children, we have been blessed with four more children and we are now parents
to five amazing children (three boys and two girls).
Looking back, what will you wish
you did differently in your relationship with your husband?
Aya:
I wish I would have remained a virgin
till marriage. I wish I had a better understanding of marriage God’s way - a mutual respect for and submission to one
another. At the beginning of our marriage, I spent a lot of effort trying to
prove to my husband that I was self-sufficient and didn’t need him or anyone
else. My marriage is not just for my pleasure; it is to glorify God. I glorify
God by staying true to His purpose for my life, loving and being a help mate to
my husband and training up my children in the fear of the Lord.
Aya
Who is more romantic, you
or your husband?
Aya:
We are both very down to earth and
practical people. We do what the world considers romantic things every once in
a while, but our real romance is in our commitment to love each other daily
through thick and thin. We can get dressed and go out for a fancy meal. He can
send me flowers for no reason, but nothing stirs my heart like when I see him
loving our children or letting me sleep in because he knows I am exhausted.
When he says he is only happy when our children and I are happy, he absolutely
means it. I would have to say he is more romantic.
Aya & Hubby
Aya:
Romance isn’t love in my book, though
it is great to share romantic times with the one you love. You can be romanced
by a person who does not love you. You can have a romantic time without loving
the person per se. Love and romance should not be used interchangeably.
Romance for me, is more about the
things that can produce immediate but fleeting highs, like getting a piece of
jewelry or dressing up for an evening out. It is based more on fairy tales and
contrived notions which we mainly get from novels, movies and
make-believe.
But
love for me is where the rubber meets the road. Love is what keeps a person
around even when life is hard and no one is looking sexy or rolling in money.
Love is waking up and saying good morning with a smile whether you are in a hut
or in a penthouse suite. Love is seeing a person at their worst and yet still
esteeming the good in them. Love is sacrifice. Love is all the things I
Corinthians 13 describes it as being. Love does not “trade” up. Love does not
betray. Love does not hit or disparage. Love wants the best for the other. Love
is eternal.
What is the fondest memory you have of your husband while you were still dating
him back then?
Aya:
Our 6 hour talk is my fondest memory.
He has a beautiful heart.
Aya
If you were to give a 7-point
advice to young people desiring marriage, what would they be?
Aya:
1.) First, figure out God’s purpose
for your life. Your God-given purpose should drive everything that you do.
2.) Learn to like yourself. When you
know your value and you love and accept yourself, you are less likely to
attract and be attracted to a person who doesn’t love and accept you and
themselves.
3.) Get very clear on what you want
out of a marriage and why and then identify what characteristics and traits a
person must have to be able build that kind of marriage with you.
4.) Evaluate yourself. What
characteristics must you cultivate to be able to attract the person you
described above? In other words, if you want a kind, caring, intelligent and
hardworking person, why would that person choose you? Are you kind, caring,
intelligent and hardworking yourself?
5.) Invest the time to become who you
must be to attract who you want for yourself. It takes effort to heal and to
grow. Take the time to be the best version of you you can be.
6.) Be true to yourself. Be
interesting. Get active in your community. Be a servant leader and devote
yourself to making positive changes around you.
7.) Stay true to your values and seek
God for all dating and marriage decisions. Trust that God has the best
intentions for you. Don’t take matters into your hands. Listen to and yield to
the voice of God in you.
You’ve lived in Nigeria and now
you live in the United States. Do you see much difference between a typical
Nigerian marriage and a Western marriage?
Aya:
Nigerians practice horizontal
polygamy and Americans practice vertical polygamy. Westerners just divorce and
move on to the next one, but in both instances, they are still going from
spouse to spouse.
Male chauvinism exists in both
societies. Women in both societies tend to bear more of the burden of child
rearing and housekeeping. The difference is that in Nigerian families,
especially if you have some resources, there is more help for the woman in the
home. She tends to have relatives or hired help who will assist when children
are born and there is help for household chores. In the American context, labor
tends to be more expensive and I see a lot of stressed out wives. For the most
part, there are a lot of struggling and painful marriages in both societies.
Divorces are more prevalent in America, but I have seen many Nigerian marriages
in which people have stayed married in name only, probably because it used to
be such a taboo for a woman to be divorced. Most marriages I have witnessed in
both societies are not what I will consider happy marriages.
It is common to see African
youths trying hard to copy Western cultures. Is it safe? Shed more light on
that.
Aya:
It is never safe to be anything other
than who God has called you to be. When we strive to be anything other than who
we are, we become mere caricatures. The happiness and fulfilment we seek cannot
be found outside of God. Imitating Western Culture will only accelerate the
moral decay already evident in modern Nigeria.
Do you have objection when it
comes to long distance relationships? What can the dating couple in a long
distance relationship do to sustain their love and relationship?
Aya:
The world is different now so long
distance relationships are a reality some of us will have to navigate. Technology
that allows face to face contact is certainly asset, but I recommend that
couples still spend quality time in closer proximity prior to deciding to get
married. You need to observe this person’s quirks, know their family and
friends, go to pre-marital counseling together, be willing to commit the time
and additional emotional energy to build such a future.
Premarital sex has been a
recurring issue in relationships, and there are diverse views. What is your
view? How do one balance cultural demands and faith commitment in this regard?
Aya:
My stance on premarital sex is
simple: DON’T!!!
Women often tell me, “If I don’t
sleep with him, he will leave me.” At which point I ask, “If sleeping with him
will keep him around why are you still single now?”
Whether you are a Christian or of any
religion that cautions against premarital sex, there are many reasons besides
just faith to abstain from sex till marriage.
Sex outside marriage leads to the
creation of soul ties that are very hard to break and may hinder your marriage
in the future.
Sex outside marriage brings with it a
lot of emotional trauma via unwanted pregnancies, deeper sense of rejection
when the lover moves on, possibility of venereal diseases which could lead to
infertility and some of these disease are incurable.
Sex outside marriage robs you of your
self-esteem, particularly if you now rack up multiple partners.
Sex outside marriage may result in
children you are ill-equipped or unable to raise.
The pleasure you are seeking can best
be enjoyed in the sanctity of your marriage.
Aya & Her Family
SINGLE LADIES ASK & AYA FUBARA ENELI ANSWERS:
We spoke with single ladies at Campuses situated in Lagos on issues bothering them requiring professional counseling. We present a few to Aya Fubara Eneli and she gave answers.
‘’My parent want me to marry
someone I don’t love. I don’t know what to do.’’ –Hannah
Aya:
Hannah, this is a tough question to
answer because I don’t know how you define love. I will recommend that you take
time to read the 7 point advice I gave earlier on. What do you want out of a
marriage? What are you willing to give? What does love mean to you? Do you have
common interests with this person? Do you admire or respect him? Are you
sexually attracted to him? Can you be yourself with him? Does he encourage and
support you to be your best?
Ultimately, though in Nigeria
marriages are not just between a man and a woman, but also between their
families, you are the one who will have to make this marriage work for you. If
you feel strongly that you cannot build the marriage you desire with this man,
then try to get your parents to understand. I pray God grants all involved
wisdom.
‘’I’m not ready for marriage
because I’m in school [polytechnic] and I’m in my 2nd year. But the
guy I love is ready to settle down in marriage and has proposed to me. Is it
safe for me to go ahead and marry him?’’ ---Selina
Aya:
Selina, why are you asking the
question? I believe there is more going on than what you’ve shared so far. If
you are not yet ready for marriage and you both love each other, has he
explained why he is in a rush to get married? What is your concern? Are you
concerned marriage will prevent you from finishing your studies? Why would you
think it “unsafe” to marry him? How important is it for you to wait? Since you
love him, how deeply will you be hurt if he decides not to wait for you? Many
people get married at young ages. My mother was married at age 20 and just
celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary. I got married at age 26 and
I think had I gotten married younger, I would probably be divorced today
because I was not emotionally prepared to be someone’s wife. Search you heart
and be honest with yourself. Figure out what you want for your future and go
for it!
‘’I’m more than 30 and I’m still
single. I feel very worried and desperate. The guys that are coming are asking
to sleep with me. I don’t understand myself. What can I do? ---[Name Withheld]
Aya:
Dear Name Withheld, did the last one
you slept with marry you? Sex isn’t what gets you married. Worry and
desperation will only cause you to attract men who will prey on your
desperation. Rather than focusing on these men, make time daily to “understand
yourself”. Become irresistible to yourself and soon you will begin attracting
suitors who find you irresistible and who will respect your integrity.
‘’My friends told me I should date
more than one guy. I’m in a relationship now and another guy says he loves me.
Can I also date the second guy?’’ ---Kike
Aya:
Kike, never take advice from someone
whose life you don’t want to live. What makes your friends experts in
relationships? How would you feel if the person you were dating was also dating
numerous other women? By the way, how is a guy who is not even dating you so
certain that he loves you? You sound like you like all the attention from these
two guys. Make your decision and date one.
‘’My boyfriend left me after
messing me up for 6 years. Now I hate anything called men, and I don’t want to
have anything to do with men again. My heart is like a stone now. And that
makes me afraid sometimes. I don’t think there is anything like love in this
world.’’ ---Cynthia. [She needs help]
Aya:
Cynthia, if you didn’t believe love
exists you wouldn’t have even bothered to ask this question. I am sorry for the
pain you are feeling. As you have no doubt heard, harboring unforgiveness is
like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. Change your language
and reclaim your power. Take 100% responsibility for your future.
‘’Me and my boyfriend always
quarrel, and on one occasion, he slapped me. Now, he says he want to marry me.
I love him, but I’m scared of his bullying attitude. What should I do?’’
---Tomisi
Aya:
Run away as fast as you can. If he
slapped you once, he is more likely to do it again.
‘’I’m attracted to a married man.
He promised to take care of me if I agree to marry him. But I don’t know how to
tell my parent. He wants me to get pregnant for him. How do I go about this?’’
---[Name Withheld]
Aya:
Please go and read my 7 point advice
to people looking to get married. If the offer this man has made is what you
want, go for it. If a man with these kind of morals is what you are attracted
to, enjoy the ride. But, realize that what goes around will come back around.
He will treat you like he is treating his current wife and worse.
‘’My friend’s boyfriend’s dad
raped her recently when she visited their family house. She said she didn’t
know how it all started. She’s confided in me but I’m restless about it. I want
to tell the police about it or pressure my friend to let her boyfriend know
abiut it. What can I really do because I’m annoyed?’’ –[Name Withheld]
Aya:
Please continue to be a great friend
to your friend. Rape is one of the worst ways to violate a woman and it can
haunt one for years. Convince her at least to talk with a counselor. Let her
know her options and respect her right to decide how to handle it. If she
trusts her boyfriend, she should let him know what happened and she should stay
away from any interaction with his father.
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