Linda Van Der Byl is South African, wife, mother, grandmother, author,
motivational speaker, seasoned relationship coach and based in Durban. In this Q&A interview with Andrew Adedayo Adetoye, she recalls her early days, falling in love, and shares her thoughts on dating, romance, sex and marriage.
How was your childhood like growing
up?
Linda:
I was a very happy child until the age of 6years. My parents could not afford to keep me, so they placed me and my 2 elder sisters in an Orphanage which was run on very strict Roman Catholic Nuns in a Convent. Besides dealing with abandonment, rejection, anger, resentment, self pity and a host of other negatives, I had to learn to fend for myself as a 6 year old. My sisters were placed with the older girls very far away from me. So I had no one to run to when I needed to be loved or was being bullied.
I was a very happy child until the age of 6years. My parents could not afford to keep me, so they placed me and my 2 elder sisters in an Orphanage which was run on very strict Roman Catholic Nuns in a Convent. Besides dealing with abandonment, rejection, anger, resentment, self pity and a host of other negatives, I had to learn to fend for myself as a 6 year old. My sisters were placed with the older girls very far away from me. So I had no one to run to when I needed to be loved or was being bullied.
What were the main challenges you
faced when you were a teen?
Linda:
My main challenges were the fact that my body was changing. I was developing very sore little bumps on my chest, tiny hairs under my arms and on my flower. And my hips suddenly started going east and west. This was frightening as I had no one to explain to me what was happening. Then one day I woke up covered in blood and could not find the injury, even though I searched frantically for one. All the little girls and Monitors who were placed over me, were screaming with laughter as I danced around lifting my nightclothes trying to find out where all the blood was coming from. Suddenly the few boy scholars started to notice me. I didn’t like being noticed as I hated the spot light. I was an avid reader and reading was my way of escaping from the outside world.
My main challenges were the fact that my body was changing. I was developing very sore little bumps on my chest, tiny hairs under my arms and on my flower. And my hips suddenly started going east and west. This was frightening as I had no one to explain to me what was happening. Then one day I woke up covered in blood and could not find the injury, even though I searched frantically for one. All the little girls and Monitors who were placed over me, were screaming with laughter as I danced around lifting my nightclothes trying to find out where all the blood was coming from. Suddenly the few boy scholars started to notice me. I didn’t like being noticed as I hated the spot light. I was an avid reader and reading was my way of escaping from the outside world.
How did you handle sexual temptations
back then as teen?
Linda:
I didn’t!! Because I didn’t know what it was. The nuns were not equipped to teach us, and My only insight was the Author Barbara Cartland who wrote Romantic stories about royalty. And Mills and Boon romances which I assumed was the way all relationships happened. Not so!!!. This made me always aware that the boys in my school just did not fit the standards required in my romantic novels. I was always comparing them with My Royal Duke or Prince. So when a guy approached me, very awkwardly for a kiss, i was shocked. But the worst past was that he wanted to put his tongue into MY mouth. Oh gross!! What if he hadn’t brushed his teeth? What if I fell pregnant? (I wasn’t taught what could make me pregnant, so I assumed any physical contact with a guy, and I was doomed to have a baby).
Who was your role model back then as
teen?
Linda:
I had my Ballet teacher and Barbara Cartland as my role models.
I had my Ballet teacher and Barbara Cartland as my role models.
Are teens today more ‘’open-eye’’
than teens of your time?
Most definitely. They could teach me a thing or two. Though it would all be messed up because they either get their teaching from the school yard or their peers.
What
was your childhood dream
Linda:
My Childhood dream was to teach others how to Love unconditionally.
My Childhood dream was to teach others how to Love unconditionally.
Would you say you have realized your
childhood dream?
Linda:
Absolutely! I AM passionate about teaching others how to do this, so as to eliminate all problems in relationships. It is working brilliantly.
Absolutely! I AM passionate about teaching others how to do this, so as to eliminate all problems in relationships. It is working brilliantly.
Linda
How long have you been married now?
Linda:
I married my husband when I was 21 years old and that was in 1973. I have been married 41 years.
I married my husband when I was 21 years old and that was in 1973. I have been married 41 years.
Every single have a dream of falling
in love. Did you fall in love before marrying your spouse?
Linda:
Yes I did. Madly in love, after 1 week of knowing him.
Yes I did. Madly in love, after 1 week of knowing him.
What
is love to you?
Linda:
Love is Giving, and giving and giving. It is UN-CONDITION- AL that means: If YOU love someone, they retain their Godlike status of having freewill. They are not accountable to YOU or anyone else except God. You do not have expectations from them, no judgements; no condemnations and no imposing of YOUR will on them.
Love is Giving, and giving and giving. It is UN-CONDITION- AL that means: If YOU love someone, they retain their Godlike status of having freewill. They are not accountable to YOU or anyone else except God. You do not have expectations from them, no judgements; no condemnations and no imposing of YOUR will on them.
Do
girls really have butterflies when they are in love? Did you have some?
Linda::
It is a breathlessnes you feel which rises from below your navel and almost chokes you with an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be loved by the one you are thinking about. It is the warmth of an overwhelming emotion that fills you where you just want to please the person you are with. It is that feeling you get when your partner touches you intimately for the first time and you feel like your body is betraying you because you like it.
It is a breathlessnes you feel which rises from below your navel and almost chokes you with an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be loved by the one you are thinking about. It is the warmth of an overwhelming emotion that fills you where you just want to please the person you are with. It is that feeling you get when your partner touches you intimately for the first time and you feel like your body is betraying you because you like it.
Recall
your first date. How did it go?
Linda:
My first date with my Spouse was an unexpected one. I had gone to a 21st birthday party with my younger sister and she wanted to introduce me to this guy who rode a motorbike. So i was not prepared for when he asked me if he could kiss me. My thoughts were: “But that’s not how it happens in my Barbara Cartland Books. He is supposed to just sweep me into his arms and take me to heaven as his lips closed over mine” hahahaa. However, when our lips did meet for the first time, he was so gentle, and his tongue was exploring my mouth with such innocence as he held me close. He was not forceful and immediately he felt me start to pull away, he stopped. I loved the way he kissed and wanted him to continue. But we exchanged phone numbers and he took me back to the party. I didn’t see or hear from him for a week.
My first date with my Spouse was an unexpected one. I had gone to a 21st birthday party with my younger sister and she wanted to introduce me to this guy who rode a motorbike. So i was not prepared for when he asked me if he could kiss me. My thoughts were: “But that’s not how it happens in my Barbara Cartland Books. He is supposed to just sweep me into his arms and take me to heaven as his lips closed over mine” hahahaa. However, when our lips did meet for the first time, he was so gentle, and his tongue was exploring my mouth with such innocence as he held me close. He was not forceful and immediately he felt me start to pull away, he stopped. I loved the way he kissed and wanted him to continue. But we exchanged phone numbers and he took me back to the party. I didn’t see or hear from him for a week.
If you were to go through your first date one
more time, what will you do
differently?
Linda:
Nothing
Nothing
Would
you say that love is blind?
Linda:
Because it is. You do not see or want to acknowledge any weaknesses, “red-lights” (warning signs) or negativity about your new love.
Because it is. You do not see or want to acknowledge any weaknesses, “red-lights” (warning signs) or negativity about your new love.
There
is the saying that love decreases in marriage as the years go by. Is it the
case with you?
Linda:
I don’t think love ever decreases. I think you “fall out of Liking” your partner many times and you swear to yourself that you will sort him/her out, but because you love them, you constantly overlook or forgive them. Sharing a relationship; is a giving away of yourself to yourself .. There were many times I would have loved to “kill” him, but because I made certain choices, I love him more now than then.
I don’t think love ever decreases. I think you “fall out of Liking” your partner many times and you swear to yourself that you will sort him/her out, but because you love them, you constantly overlook or forgive them. Sharing a relationship; is a giving away of yourself to yourself .. There were many times I would have loved to “kill” him, but because I made certain choices, I love him more now than then.
What
are the fondest memories you have of dating your husband?
Linda:
That he was a clown and could make me laugh at the drop of a hat. I loved his quirky sense of humour and his neat (different from the crowd) way of dressing. He spoke to me as though I was the only woman in the world. I felt cherished.
That he was a clown and could make me laugh at the drop of a hat. I loved his quirky sense of humour and his neat (different from the crowd) way of dressing. He spoke to me as though I was the only woman in the world. I felt cherished.
Linda & Hubby
Is your
husband a gentleman? What makes a gentleman?
Linda:
He has integrity above all else. His talk and his life speak volumes. He respected his parents, and females. We still have date nights 3 times a week.
He has integrity above all else. His talk and his life speak volumes. He respected his parents, and females. We still have date nights 3 times a week.
How
did your husband propose to you?
Linda:
He stopped outside the old post office in the center of town on a weekday; and suddenly said: Linda will you be my wife? I said YESSSSSSSS and he slipped a beautiful diamond ring onto my finger.
He stopped outside the old post office in the center of town on a weekday; and suddenly said: Linda will you be my wife? I said YESSSSSSSS and he slipped a beautiful diamond ring onto my finger.
Where
there signs that convinced you that you should accept your husband’s proposal?
Because I had known him for 1 and a half years, I had met his family, and he had promised that he would never leave me but would shower me with all the love that my parents didn’t give me. I was in love with him.
How were you able to handle the
challenges of dating?
Linda:
I just played it by ear. I remembered how feminine and soft, respectable and charming the “ladies” behaved in my Barbara Cartland books and I did likewise.
I just played it by ear. I remembered how feminine and soft, respectable and charming the “ladies” behaved in my Barbara Cartland books and I did likewise.
What was the dress you wore on your first
date?
Linda:
I had on a very smart, chic Trouser suit. Everyone else was in jeans and T shirts.
I had on a very smart, chic Trouser suit. Everyone else was in jeans and T shirts.
Is
your husband romantic? What is romance when dating?
Linda:
Not as romantic as I would like him to be. But then I learned that there are different Love Languages and he shows love by actions instead of words.
Not as romantic as I would like him to be. But then I learned that there are different Love Languages and he shows love by actions instead of words.
You never stop dating or romancing:
·
Taking delight in being with
each other
·
Showing in your facial
expression and touch that you are happy in their company
·
Sharing a portion or chapter of
a book
·
Laughing at silly things
·
Buying flowers or a flower just
on the spur of the moment
·
Going to the Library to read a
portion of a book
·
Sharing a picnic in the gardens
·
Viewing a movie together
·
Playing “catch me if you can”
while walking down a busy street
·
Going to a game together
·
And many more silly things
Who is
more romantic, you or your husband?
Linda:
I AM
I AM
Linda & Hubby
Should
sex be discussed during dating?
Linda:
Yes Yes Yes!!! Decide one day to go to the local library or bookstore together, pick up a couple of books, find a quiet corner. Sit on the floor if there are no chairs and begin to flip through the books. Share with each other openly, what you think is interesting or shocking and do this regularly while you educate yourselves BEFORE marriage. Have fun.
Yes Yes Yes!!! Decide one day to go to the local library or bookstore together, pick up a couple of books, find a quiet corner. Sit on the floor if there are no chairs and begin to flip through the books. Share with each other openly, what you think is interesting or shocking and do this regularly while you educate yourselves BEFORE marriage. Have fun.
Looking back, what would you have
done differently in your relationship with you husband?
Linda:
I would have educated myself on Relationships, because it is not a party.
I would have educated myself on Relationships, because it is not a party.
We
face pressure to have sex during dating. What’s your advice to us?
Linda:
Sex is a beautiful gift that you give to each other. So if you have already started before marriage, then you need to educate yourself (as above), If you are waiting for the big night, then even more so, educate yourself. because it is not just a getting into bed; climbing on top, a lot of movement and “slam bang thank you ma’am” then climbing off and going to sleep. NO!!! It is so much more than that. Sex is a topic all on its own.
Sex is a beautiful gift that you give to each other. So if you have already started before marriage, then you need to educate yourself (as above), If you are waiting for the big night, then even more so, educate yourself. because it is not just a getting into bed; climbing on top, a lot of movement and “slam bang thank you ma’am” then climbing off and going to sleep. NO!!! It is so much more than that. Sex is a topic all on its own.
What
has been the most challenging moments of your marriage?
Linda:
Many and I still am. Its all about choices and ensuring that YOU are not looking for your Partner to make YOU happy but that YOU find out exactly WHO You are.
Many and I still am. Its all about choices and ensuring that YOU are not looking for your Partner to make YOU happy but that YOU find out exactly WHO You are.
When
you got married, did you still keep your friends or best friend?
Linda:
You know if the friends that you have are negative or good for you. Make choices. Do I want to keep my relationship or my friends? Friends are good to have as long as they have your best interests at heart and do not work with you against your spouse.
You know if the friends that you have are negative or good for you. Make choices. Do I want to keep my relationship or my friends? Friends are good to have as long as they have your best interests at heart and do not work with you against your spouse.
What are the hobbies you share with your
husband? Is it compulsory to share hobbies with one’s spouse?
Linda:
We both love reading, going to see a good movie; or have dinner; the flea-market; Firearms Club shooting. And I love listening to him play music and sing. He loves being funny and telling crazy stories. It is good to be interested and ask the right questions about your partners interests. Listen authentically and do not be distracted while she/he is talking to you about their interests. Ask intelligent questions even if you don’t know what the hell they are talking about.
We both love reading, going to see a good movie; or have dinner; the flea-market; Firearms Club shooting. And I love listening to him play music and sing. He loves being funny and telling crazy stories. It is good to be interested and ask the right questions about your partners interests. Listen authentically and do not be distracted while she/he is talking to you about their interests. Ask intelligent questions even if you don’t know what the hell they are talking about.
What makes you a good partner?
Linda:
The fact that I AM constantly looking for ways to read and find out how I can increase my knowledge about relationships, how I can better myself and the fact that I NEVER try to change my partner. the fact that I KNOW WHO I AM.
The fact that I AM constantly looking for ways to read and find out how I can increase my knowledge about relationships, how I can better myself and the fact that I NEVER try to change my partner. the fact that I KNOW WHO I AM.
Comments
Post a Comment